Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
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What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.