I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
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Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.