When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then