I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
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There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
happy mother’s day❤️
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
my favorite genre of twitter
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson