Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
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A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES