Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
You Might Also Like
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Ah..makes sense now
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.