Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
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I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.