imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
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[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*