If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
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Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
They also CAN sing✌️
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
this chia pet tastes awful
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?