I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
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If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes