I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
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mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…