Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
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I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.