Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
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He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
This makes total sense…
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie