Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
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Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.