GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
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Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.