Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
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me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are