No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
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Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Not all heroes wear capes…
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT