interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
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A dating app for angry people- Grumble
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!