I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
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Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Message from the dog groomers
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
584.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST