ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
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me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
I mean…but I did
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.