Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
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WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.