I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
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Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Sooo many times…..
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights