Time for evil
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Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Google Pay be like:
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?