Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
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*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Breaking news:
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
work smarter, not harder