Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
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Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house