furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
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Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”