Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
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It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.