Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
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I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
figuring out my emotional availability:
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”