Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
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Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Batman v Dracula
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet