CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
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I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?