How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
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Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*