Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
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My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]