Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
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I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?