[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair