‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
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I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I am also baked goods
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back