Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
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My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
My patience has stretch marks.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers