My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
You Might Also Like
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Don’t frighten the programmers!
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Danger is very dangerous
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*