World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
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I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Quadruple digit IQ
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
are there any atheist mantises?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet