How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
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I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
me and the Superbowl rn
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Shoo shoo! 😂
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5