Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
(more comics:
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.