The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
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If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
When you let grandma cat sit
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?