When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
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A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you