Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
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Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
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Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.