I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
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Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.