I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
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I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle