my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
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4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this