Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
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Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
adding to the discourse
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.