I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
You Might Also Like
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Um … Hot Wings please
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.