*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
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If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Carpe DM
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?