Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
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ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.